OCD · Personal

A Human Juxtaposition 

I feel like a human juxtaposition. I feel happy, yet also sad. I want freedom, but at the same time control. I want to be alone, yet surrounded by lots of people. A constant conflict in my mind, two opposing feelings, two opposite desires for life.

What’s often tricky is which one to choose. Which feeling to listen too, or if I should actually listen to any at all. Whether these emotions are just working in tandem at this moment in time and there’s nothing I can do to separate them, or whether I should try analyse my emotions and make a cumulative decision on how to get myself out of this mindset. It’s like my emotions get mushed together, until they’re shrouded in fog. Undefinable.

The best way I can describe this is by imagining emotions as paint. Happiness being white and sadness being black. Sometimes we feel them as a separate emotion. They become easily definable, simply being black or white, but then sometimes they can mix together becoming a convoluted mess of colour. The black and white forming grey. The happiness and sadness forming almost nothingness. That middle colour, is it more white, is it more black? Am I actually happy, or am I in fact sad? Do I accept the fact that the primary colours cannot be reversed at this moment in time, just letting my emotions be. Or do I analyse this grey. Can I see more white, can I see more black? Which colour outweighs which…I’m not pulling at either of these methods being the ‘right’ one. Emotions are complicated.

Conflict in our minds is a daily battle. Unfortunately it’s going to happen regardless of what we do. “Intrusive Thoughts vs Rational Thoughts – The Prequal” (aka my life) However they don’t always cause us distress. For example there could be the conflict between what coat to put on. Does it go with my outfit? Is this jacket too warm? What if it gets sunny? But then it could get cold? Everyday discussions in our heads that arise all the time without us even realising.

Thoughts can have us jumping from emotion to emotion and sometimes even no emotion at all, but that’s okay. At this moment in time I have no real advice with what to do in these situations, other than I understand. I really hope my explanation above was somewhat understandable too…It’s okay to loose grip of your emotions, it’s okay to not understand your emotions, it’s okay to not be able to define yor emotions. It’s really tricky, I know, but this feeling (or non feeling) will pass. You’re not alone in this.

-Ellen

“A happy life consists not in the absence, but in the mastery of hardships.” -Helen Keller

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4 thoughts on “A Human Juxtaposition 

  1. Hi, Ellen! At last a new blog post from you. As usual fyll of thoughts and emotions. Well worth reading! How I’ve longed for this blog post of yours, Ellen! Have a nice weekend! Take good care of you.

    Sadly to say, I’m not so good at writing in English, but yet I hope you’re able to understand me.

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    1. Hiya! I completely understand you, it’s all good! Sorry for the lack of posts recently, but thank you for your lovely comment. It’s really appreciated! Been super busy with lots of things, but I’m trying my best to keep consistent. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Thank you for a really comforting post, Ellen. I can completely relate to that feeling, or mash up of feelings even! I really like your comparison to paint and colours. I feel, although that feeling is by no means desired, to be aware that it’s a mixture of colour proves knowledge of those colours outside the mush up (if that makes sense!) To have awareness of pure happiness and even pure sadness proves your understanding of your self and that is amazing! Reflection helps us grow and although that grey colour isn’t one we necessarily want for our painting, it makes those bright primary colours look even more beautiful!
    Thanks again for the post, Ellen. Look forward to the next😊

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  3. Hi! Just stumbled on your blog after looking for fellow OCD blogs… Thank you for such a thoughtful post–emotions can be so confusing sometimes, especially when they’re polar opposites like so. I like your analogy to paint; it really puts it into perspective. Looking forward to more posts!

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