OCD · Personal

OCD and I

OCD and I.

For as long as I can remember, you have been a part of my life. No matter the time, the location or the season, you were always there, instilling negativity and horror with every step I took. I was haunted by your ever growing existence, yet I clung onto you as if my life depended on it. You influenced my every decision, I couldn’t function without your presence. Yes, maybe I could walk down the left side of the pavement without the inevitable consequence of my loved ones dying, but you would slowly trickle those all too familiar thoughts of doubt into my mind. Infecting every corridor of rational thinking and slowly poisoning that small, sacred part of independence I had left. Then whispering those all too familiar words, echoing through my being. “What if Ellen, what if.” My internal dialogue screaming at you to stop, but my feet slowly starting to walk. Inching towards the left side of the pavement because I couldn’t take that risk. What if something happened to my family? What if I caused something bad to happen? I could never shut you out.

You followed me through my teenage years, holding me back from being myself. I conformed to your way of thinking, I did exactly what you said. I thought listening to your lies would make everything better. I was stopping the ‘bad’ things from happening wasn’t I? So the why wasn’t I happy? Why wasn’t I able to function? I was masked by the fake sense of reality you had created. Each day surcoming to your lies and trickery. I couldn’t wear what I wanted, I couldn’t eat what I wanted, I couldn’t be who I wanted to be. I became you OCD. I lost my identity to you. No longer would I look in the mirror and see Ellen, I would look in the mirror and see OCD. No longer were you that unwanted presence following me, you were me and I couldn’t break free. I had no energy to shove you off anymore, you had me on puppet strings, I was conforming to your every desire. “1, 2, 3, 4. 1, 2, 3, 4. Did you count right? Maybe you didn’t. What. You think you did? Are you sure? Count again. No? I said, COUNT AGAIN.” I saw no escape. I saw no reason to escape. This was my new reality.

You thrived on my weakness. Without resistance, your grip grew stronger. I was suffocated by your veil of deception. Those who cared about me felt helpless. I had built up walls higher than even I could see. I was treading on egg shells with you OCD. One wrong move and I believed my world would come crashing down. One out of line piece of cutlery, one small step to the right. Huge consequences.

Through all of this OCD, people still cared. The people I loved didn’t give up on me. They could still see Ellen through the mask you had created. A mask of deception you tried so hard to maintain, but people still saw straight through your lies. Yes, you had control of me, but you had no control over those who cared. That’s the thing about you. You can’t infect other people, like you lead me to believe. My presence around people would not cause them to “catch” you. You were confined to me and that was your weakness. You had no power over those helping me and that was your downfall.

I slowly learned to challenge you. To stop you in your tracks when you tried to manipulate me. You fought back. Oh you fought back damn hard and many times I fell victim to your demise, but I had those around me to help pick me back up. I outed you here on this blog, used my knowledge to help others fight back their OCD demons because no one deserves to be held hostage like that. I resisted and ignored the lies you told me. When you said no, I said yes. The fear this instilled was unlike anything I’d ever experienced. I yearned for the comfort of giving in to the compulsions. That short term relief you would give me if I just did what you asked, but I knew that your relief was only temporary. It never sufficed. Each day I would slowly chip away at your existance. Sometimes in copious amounts, but at other times it felt futile. However I didn’t stop. The veil you had created started to thin. I started to see myself again through the dusty haze of your existance. I began to see Ellen again, a face that I barely recognised.

I fought, you resisted. I fought, you resisted. I fought and I fought through every lie you told. I stepped on the right side of the pavement, and resisted the screaming pang of guilt you would use against me. Each day we became more and more separate until your connection started to break. I was no longer going to be you OCD. I was going to be Ellen. The person who I had longed to be for so many years. The girl in the mirror who actually a smiled…

Today. July 28th 2015. I look in the mirror and I see a girl. I see a girl who smiles. I see a girl who is no longer confined by the rules of OCD. I see a girl who has the tools to fight off any battles you may try and throw at me. I see a girl who has gained back independence and thrives to help others to do so as well.

I  see a girl who will continue you to battle against you OCD, but who will battle against you as Ellen. A girl who smiles in the mirror. A girl who will no longer be controlled by you.

Advertisements

159 thoughts on “OCD and I

  1. It’s refreshing when I read a post about someone coming to an understanding about themselves. Personal perspective is a wonderful thing and helps us grow as individuals. very thoughtful thank you for sharing your story.

    Liked by 3 people

  2. I read this and know it’s hard. From an outsider looking into my husband’s life. He has to go through so much. Looses sleep and energy. Time with our kids. It’s not easy but it’s possible and you have inspired me and my husband. I just want to say thank you.

    Liked by 3 people

  3. Hey Ellen Thanks for sharing your story! We over at “Ollie and Emma” love folks who go through life with challenges like OCD or ADHD. Our writers know what its like to live these conditions and strongly respect amyone who shares their story. We commend you for your experience and the strength you’ve clearly gained. Cheri J.

    Liked by 3 people

  4. Being afraid and doing it anyway. I do remember when i was trapped by my own anxieties. One day you will look back and it will all just be in the past. More of you will grow and there will be less anxieties. Thanks for the inspiration and always remember you are not alone for no man is an island

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Thank you so much for writing this, my daughter suffers terribly, she feels so alone sometimes and days go by when she cannot even get dressed because of her mind telling her bad things 😦
    She is a germaphobe too, amongst her other rituals. Thank you for highlighting this debilitating condition. Frustrates me when people says i have to check the front is locked twice im OCD like that…..argh
    just live a day with a OCD and then joke about it….not .

    Liked by 2 people

  6. My daughter has OCD. I try to be as supportive as I can, but it’s difficult because I don’t know what it feels like. Thank you for giving me more insight.

    Liked by 2 people

  7. Thanks for sharing this. You capture the dialogue that happens between a person and the voice of mental illness well. I’m proud of you, keep fighting the good fight and sharing with the world because these kinds of posts help make the stigmas behind mental illness dissolve and make understanding feasible for people who want to be there and help their loved ones.

    Liked by 2 people

  8. Reblogged this on bleedingwordsworld and commented:
    I haven’t experienced OCD till now but as a medico, i have always wondered how it would fell like. This feeling arised within me after my room partner suffered from OCD and i never knew it. He finally left his studies and went back to his parents..

    Liked by 2 people

  9. Struggling with OCD myself, I appreciate you speaking out against it. Yes it is real. Yes the way you depicted its strongholds are accurate to a T. The only way I have ever been able to explain it to anyone is as follows, “it is as if you are sitting in a lecture hall of 200. And you know there is someone watching you, 20 maybe 30 rows back. You can feel their eyes watching you.” That is OCD. That is our reality and it is a fight every day. It is a fight that can be won, with patience and care of others.

    Liked by 2 people

  10. I loved this. I have suffered with ocd for as long as I can remember but never realised, because people use the term a bit ocd for being clean or organised and I’m always surrounded by mess so I didn’t even realise until my doctor diagnosed me about 3 years ago. I’m on medication and just try get through it day by day. I think this was a wonderful read.

    Liked by 2 people

  11. I REALLY LIKE THIS POST BECAUSE IT SHOWS THAT U R GETTIN THRU IT BUT IS WALKIN ON THE RIGHT SIDE OF THE ROAD THE RIGHT THING TO DO? I DONT WANT TO BE NEGATIVE AND MAKE U RECONSIDER UR RECOVERY BUT FROM MY POINT OF VIEW..WALKIN ON THE RIGHT SIDE IS ONLY REPEATIN THIS OCD. NOW U WILL PROBABLY NEVER WALK ON THE LEFT SIDE BECAUSE U R AFRAID OF FALLIN IN A TRAP BUT MAYBE ITS TRICKED U AGAIN NOW U WILL ONLY USE THE RIGHT SIDE. BUT MAYBE IF U WAS TO DO BOTH IT WOULDNT EVEN CROSS UR MIND ABOUT WHICH SIDE BECAUSE IN REALITY IF UR ON THE RIGHT SIDE ONCE U TURN AROUND U WILL THEN BE ON THE LEFT SIDE AGAIN IM SAYIN THIS OUT OF CURIOSITY BECAUSE MY MOM STRUGGLES WIT OCD AND I HAVEN’T BEEN DIAGNOSED BUT IM SURE I HAVE IT AND THEY SAY IT GETS WORSE AS U GET OLDER WHICH I FIND VERY TRUE SO IS THIS A GOOD ALTERNATIVE METHOD TO DEFEAT THIS OCD BY STILL GIVIN IN SOMETIMES AND DOIN WAT U WANT OTHER TIMES THAT WAY IT HAS NO CONTROL OVER U?

    Like

  12. Congratulations, you are brave and strong!
    I have GAD and Health Anxiety and just like your OCD those are the demons I’m currently battling and trying to remove from my life.
    Again, keep up with the good work!
    ❤️

    Liked by 2 people

  13. You are inspirational, Ellen. Thank You for having written this. My OCD is getting worse lately and i feel like i am trapped as times go by but when i read this post, i seem to be motivated more to fight against my OCD. Thank you, you help me a lot

    Liked by 2 people

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s