If I was posed the question – ‘Ellen, how would you describe yourself?‘ I would say a ticking time bomb.
Emotional regulation is something I really struggle with. The roller coaster of different emotions I go through each day is exhausting and it can be really hard to predict how each day is going to pan out. For example, I can wake up feeling okay(ish) and within the space of 12 hours I can become extremely upset, then angry, then happy, then guilt-ridden, then anxious and then I’ll probably end the day extremely unmotivated and wanting to sleep for eternity. And the sad thing is that I can tell from the people who are frequently around me, that this is starting to take a toll on them. I can hardly handle myself, so goodness knows what it’s like for my family to deal with me. I am so frequently in some sort of crisis or turmoil that I’m really not that sure what stability is anymore…
I’ve also realised that I refrain from talking about anything too personal or negative on this blog because, in my eyes, I’m not helping anyone by doing that. I’ve ended up subconsciously setting the expectation that a post will only end up being helpful if I write it somewhat factually and straight to the point. Consequently, the post ends up lacking emotion and a personal touch. So, I’ve gradually lost some of the authenticity I once had here and it’s slowly driving people away…I guess I feared that if I was seen to be struggling then people would be internally criticising me for giving advice and trying to help others when clearly I’m not able to look after myself (hello paranoia). If I’m honest, I feel like I’m lacking a sense of identity right now, which is probably part of the problem. I am petrified about the future, how I’m going to cope at university IF I’m going to even get to university. How I’m going to manage the rest of
If I’m honest, I feel like I’m lacking a sense of identity right now, which is probably part of the problem. I am petrified about the future, how I’m going to cope at university IF I’m going to even get to university. How I’m going to manage the rest of sixth form, trying to deal with this beast of an eating disorder that is currently destroying my family as well as probably damaging me internally in ways I that can’t even see right now. Then you get the days where OCD just decides to cripple you out of nowhere, which is extremely thoughtful on OCD’s part. Thanks, OCD. And my situation in treatment is, let’s say, complicated. I know I explained it in the last post with regards to the new DBT scheme, but in all honesty, I’m really struggling with it all. Ties are being cut with my therapist I’ve seen for many years, which is hurting so bad. People’s roles have suddenly changed with regards to what I can talk to them about, so I’m lost as to who the appropriate person is to speak to right now and I just don’t know how to process it all.
Basically, I feel like a ticking time bomb and I’m scared. But…I need to accept that feeling scared is okay.
I just really want to take down the barriers that I’ve put up with regards to this blog. I just want to let myself document what it’s like to be a teen living with mental illness, encompassing every aspect of that. The highs, the lows, the processing, the achievements and the slip ups. To be honest in saying, yeah life is pretty shitty at the moment, but that’s okay. It’s a period of uncertainty for sure, but it can be processed through. It may take time and many more slip ups, but that’s also okay. It would be wrong for me to promote the ideation that everything will be hunky dory 100% of the time once you’re in treatment because that’s unrealistic for most people. Life isn’t a straight line from shitty to awesome and that’s totally normal. I’m honestly so sorry if that’s not what I’ve ended up promoting. Of course, I still want make the advice posts and more, (hopefully) educational posts on OCD etc, but not to solely hide behind them. I know I’ve become a bit of an infrequent posting robot, but I really want to turn that around…I need to stop hiding and it’s my own issues that’re causing me to do this, so I must challenge them. Yup, I’m scared, very scared, but I know the community here is so lovely that I’m willing to take that leap.
So yeah, this post has been an utter splurge of info and thoughts, but I hope that it makes sense and that you understand. Thank you for taking time out of your day to read this and I hope life is treating you well. If not, here’s a virtual hug.